A Parody on all Things Legolas
by Lilly McShepin
Summary: Annoyed at the cliche, unrealistic stories about Legolas? Well so am I! Join me in the fight against the stupidity of it all! ... Or you can just read my story and laugh a lot... or you can complain because it makes fun of one of your stories.
1. Chapter 1

**A Parody on all Things Legolas**

**By**

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Lilly McShepin**

_**Pre-read by her sister Cathie and her cousin Phoebe**_

_**...and Salogel and Nrogara**_

**I have become thoroughly annoyed with all the cliché stories about Legolas. I have refrained from blasting the authors in a review, because that is not nice and it isn't their fault... okay, it is. But it still isn't nice. O.O**

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Once upon a time, Aragorn – foster son of Elrond, decided to go to Mirkwood. Forget the fact that the journey would, realistically, take a few days, he appears there by nightfall. And the reason why he is going to Mirkwood? No reason. He just is. All alone. Despite the fact that Mirkwood elves don't like humans and it is VERY dangerous.

Suddenly, lots of orcs/wargs/spiders attack Aragorn! Although he was surprised and was nowhere near his weapon, he is suddenly all battle ready and starts killing them all! WHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN – after he has managed to kill tons of them without ANY injury, he suddenly is overwhelmed and is about to be killed/taken hostage/eaten by the orcs/wargs/spiders WHEN AN ELF APPEARS!

_{Insert two page description of beautiful elf killing all the orcs/wargs/spiders with ease while looking as yummy as a box of chocolate}_

When all the orcs/wargs/spiders are dead, the beautiful elf walks over to Aragorn and is VERY mean to him. He doesn't like humans. He thinks they are VERY bad because of some traumatic experience that had happened to him that you learn through a series of VERY confusing flash-backs.

But, even though the beautiful elf whose name you suddenly learn is LEGOLAS (yes, he goes from MYSTERIOUS elf to Legolas in less than three seconds) HATES humans, he decides that Aragorn should come with him to the king! And, yes. Legolas knows Aragorn's name although it is supposed to be a big secret, him being Arathorn's son – Islidur's heir and all that.

So they get to the castle that is surrounded by elves that aren't described at all other than BEAUTIFUL or VERY BEAUTIFUL or BEAUTIFUL EVEN BY ELVEN STANDARDS. There, you learn that Legolas is the prince. Aragorn is taken to the king who is Legolas' father.

(Insert three page description of how beautiful and proud and dignified Thranduil is and then how similar Legolas and him are.)

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING of real importance happens when Aragorn and Thranduil meet. So you get skipped forward a few hours later when Aragorn is going to go to sleep. Here, through some way, Aragorn learns about Legolas' HORRIBLE, TRAUMATIC, ANGST filled past. It usually involves rape/siblings/lost love/imprisonment/torture/something to do with his mother who has a VERY cheesy elvish name.

AND THEN – BY SOME MIRACLE – THE COLD, STONE HEART OF LEGOLAS CRUMBLES REVEALING A SOFT, GUSHY, CHERRY FILLED INSIDE OF LOVE! Legolas and Aragorn become BEST BUDDIES within a few days, defeating the prejudice of the Mirkwood elves that had lasted for hundreds of years!

SOMEHOW – Aragorn is captured by orcs! Legolas must go and save him (single handedly) and somehow HE TOO is captured!

(Here you get one entire chapter of elf prince torture and then another entire chapter of ranger torture and then another chapter of elf prince torture.)

BUT even in their weakened and gory state, they manage to escape and kill almost ALL of the orcs, when ONE SINGLE SOLITARY ORC manages to almost kill Aragorn! Legolas jumps in front of him and takes the blow instead! He receives a horrible, gory wound that is not realistic at all and it should most assuredly kill the beautiful, angst filled prince of Mirkwood.

But because Aragorn is the TRUE KING OF GONDOR and the hands of a king are the hands of a healer blah blah LEGOLAS IS SAVED! AND HE HAS A MIRACULOUS RECOVERY WITHIN ONE TO TWO DAYS! (Three days maximum.)

AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER!

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**I couldn't help myself. I had to release SOME of my frustration! Please review. I'm turning twenty tomorrow, that has to count for SOMETHING! Come on, give me a birthday present! Oh oh! And please read some of the other stories I have posted... *puppy dog face* I have learned that I have had over 312 visitors and I have had a total of 4 reviews... sad...  
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	2. Chapter 2

**A Parody on all Things Legolas**

**By**

**  
Lilly McShepin**

_**Pre-read by her sister Cathie and her cousin Phoebe**_

_**...and Salogel and Nrogara**_

**Okay - I apologize for taking a while to update. O.O As some of you may know, I was bitten by a rattlesnake (not as dramatic as it sounds, it has happened to me before) and then a few days after that, my laptop crashed. AND just yesterday Cathie - my sister - broke her ankle while playing on the tire swing in the barn. Alas! How I wish I had a boring life!**

**I got a new laptop though. It is white and shiny. *grins* I like it.  
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Once upon a time, in a land far, far away... so far away, in fact, that not even the great, wise, and all knowing lord Elrond of the creepy eyebrows had heard of things such as computers. But those fantastic machines have no point in this story so I am going to stop rambling right now and continue onto the story.

Legolas and Aragorn were best friends. BEST friends. Like brothers. Despite the fact that just a chapter ago, Legolas hated humans because they are smelly and ugly and stupid and because he had a traumatic past. MANY traumatic pasts, to tell you the truth. The darling, wonderful, angsty, intelligent, blond haired blue eyed elf had had SO MANY traumatic things happen to him, it made intelligent people such as Galadriel and Lilly McShepin wonder why he was still able to joke and smile and laugh.

But that is besides the point.

Aragorn and Legolas - the great and powerful duo of angsty, awesome, beautiful, manly/elvishy... ness - were taking a break from the horrible lives. They were laying in a meadow, where exactly, we do not know. I do not feel as that is important.

SUDDENLY, THROUGH THE PEACEFUL SILENCE THEY ARE ATTACKED! Legolas with his awesome senses didn't notice their attackers, but that is overlooked. The awesomely good looking pair fight bravely against the mean men, but unfortuanatly - they loose.

They are both knocked out. They wake up sometime later in a smelly, dark and ugly dungeon. Usually one of them wakes up before the other - so that they can have a self pitying, blameing, angst fest. This time it is Legolas.

"Oh no!" He wept - despite the fact that he is a big brave strong hunky elf. "This is all my fault! I should have kept the wimpy human safe! Now we are in the dark, scary, smelly dungeons! This reminds me of my traumatic past!"

*please insert a random traumatic past flashback that leaves Legolas - the big hunky elf - in tears*

Suddenly, Aragorn wakes up! He comforts Legolas and gets the elf prince to talk about his problems that he had not spoken to anybody about in the best decade or so. Their brotherly bond is strengthened and during their little hug/comfort/angst fest - the meanie men come back!

They drag Legolas away and torture him badly! There is no reason but for the fact that they don't like people to have hug/comfort/angst fests. They hurt him so much he screams and cries like a little baby - which really humiliates him. They toss him back in the cell with Aragorn.

Aragorn suddenly pulls some random leaf from his boot (which is really smelly) and chews it and spits it up on Legolas. All of Legolas' wounds are healed! Then Aragorn comforts the elf and assures him that it is alright that he cried like a little kid.

During round two of the hug/comfort/angst fest, the meanie men come back because they have nothing better to do. They take Aragorn away and begin to torture him using things such as making him eat fat free/sugar free chocolate, cutting the ears off of his bunny slippers, and then whipping him with a TV cord and pouring salt in the wounds. Aragorn passes out after screaming so loudly the building starts to collapse. The meanie men run away from the falling building.

Legolas is no longer crying like a little kid. He is once again the biggest, strongest, hunkiest elf in the world! He breaks free from the dungeon, dodges the falling pieces of building, and finds Aragorn! He drags the smelly human out of the building and carries him all the way back to Rivendell where the prince collapses on the front porch after saying "I'm fine."

Lord Elrond heals them both VERY quickly. *insert happy, comforting, mildly angsty scene which ends in Aragorn and Legolas hugging*

AND THEY BOTH LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!

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**Please review. PLEASE REVIEW!!!!  
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	3. Chapter 3

**A Parody on all Things Legolas**

**By**

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Lilly McShepin**

_**Pre-read by her sister Cathie and her cousin Phoebe**_

_**...and Salogel and Nrogara**_

**I'm on a roll! Two chapters in one day - I'm spoiling you guys. *grins* I really just want to break in my new laptop. I've named it "Mine".  
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Legolas and Aragorn, the most famous, handsome, strongest, most intelligent of all men/elves were once again... running for their lives. It had began as a normal afternoon, as normal as you can get when you are travelling through Mirkwood (ignoring your princly duties) and battling spiders. But while they had stopped to look for noticeable landmarks... *translation: they got lost*... they were suddenly attacked (it happens to them a lot) by more meanie men! These men were slave drivers!

Now, as I said in the first sentence, Legolas and Aragorn were the most famous, handsome, strongest, most intelligent of all men/elves. However, the slave drivers did not know Legolas and Aragorn... and their were so many of the meanie men that Legolas and Aragorn - the proud, proud duo - were forced to run screaming for their lives.

However, the screaming was not a good idea because it attracted the already mentioned spiders. So they soon stopped screaming and began to breath loudly and shrilly. However, it does not improve conditions because in their manly voices it ends up sounding like a dinner bell. Legolas is bit by a spider and passes out unconscious! Aragorn battles the spiders bravely. *insert page long description of sweaty, gory, yet awesomly hot and manly battle against the giant spiders* But Aragorn forgets the slave drivers. He is hit in the back of the head with a really heavy toaster.

*fade out to black*

Legolas wakes up some time later. He feels very happy that his best buddy, Aragorn, is with him because it is always so much easier to go through the traumatic things in life if your best buddy suffers them with you. After a few angsty and hurting minutes later, Aragorn wakes up. And he speaks the dreaded words... "Where am I?" Shortly followed by the next dreaded words... "Who am I?" and then even more horrible! "Who are you?"

ARAGORN HAS LOST HIS MEMORY!!!

Legolas refrains from slapping his 'best buddy' across the face, instead choosing to sob and say "Oh, this is all my fault! Aragorn! Speak to me!!!" *but he remembers to speak in elvish so the -currently forgotten- slave drivers cannot understand them.*

Aragorn doesn't remember anything. They are forced to work as slaves and are cruelly treated by the slave drivers. Legolas tries to convince Aragorn who he is - which DOESN'T WORK and Legolas has many, many angst filled nights because of it...

Legolas is beaten to a pulp because he REFUSED to work any longer. His back is whipped raw (very bloody) and it is not until Legolas finally lets go of his pride and SCREAMS that Aragorn remembers EVERYTHING! Then, amazingly, Aragorn and Legolas are once more the most famous, handsome, strongest, most intelligent of all men/elves and they escape! Legolas is healed completely... or so it seems...

When they have escaped the slave drivers... which apparantly wasn't so hard after all... they manage to get to Mirkwood very quickly, despite the great distance. Then, suddenly, LEGOLAS WOUNDS HURT AGAIN! Then, so convienantly, they are attacked by spiders. This time, ARAGORN IS BITTEN! It is up to the wounded, battle worn, still very handsome, charming prince Legolas to save them!

He beats up the spiders and then manages to carry Aragorn to Rivendell... (weren't they in Mirkwood though?) were Elrond of the Creepy Eyebrows and Amazing Instant (just add water) Healing Powers! Then Legolas collapses... once again.

Aragorn and Legolas almost die... but at the gates of Mandos they are sent back, because they were told that they have greater, more manly, and handsome adventures to come. They wake up from their - almost dead - sleep and then they have a manly hug/angst/comfort fest! Praise the magical, instant (just add water), healing powers of lord Elrond!

AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER! ... Until the next chapter...

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**I wrote this after reading my TENTH Aragorn- and or -Legolas looses memory story. I have read some that ARE good. I am just summing it all up in general.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Alas, this is the final chapter in "A Parody on all Things Legolas" - but I assure you, there are many... many more cliche things on anything Tolkien. So, most likely - there will be a sequel. AFTER I finish all my other works in progresses *grimaces*. **

**Oh - forgot to mention. I am sorry if you feel insulted by anything I write in this. I am well aware that there are GOOD stories that fall into the categorizes that I have written about in previous chapters, but I am merely stating that there are TOO MANY of these types of stories. Can't we get a bit of creativity? Anybody?**

**Ugh. On with the chapter.**

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Once upon a time in a magical land created by J.R.R. Tolkien, there was a group of nine people. One was an ugly old wizard, one was an ugly smelly dwarf, one was a proud and haughty man that didn't believe in the feminist movement, one was a smelly ranger that would look HaWt if he was given a bath, four were tiny little hobbits that were often described as 'cute', and, of course - there was the gorgeous, muscular, powerful, over all down right attractive elf with a fancy bow and a charming smile. These people were the Fellowship of the Ring. They had been sent out to save the world. They were the Middle Earth version of the Justice League. There was Gandalf, Gimli, Boromir, Aragorn, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, and - of course - Legolas. Legolas Greenleaf Thranduilion HaWtY!!!

And currently the brave group of people that needed a bath (except Legolas) were stuck in a cave. Because it was raining. And, to pass the time, the brave, strong, awesome warriors were... telling stories about childish pranks that they had done. They were all doing this, except for the awesome and ever silent elf. He wasn't telling a story because he was outside in the rain. Because he didn't like caves. Because he had a traumatic, horrible, heart-wrenching, gut-twisting, tear-jerking past that made being in a cave unbearable.

But, of course, they all missed his sparkly personality so Aragorn begged Legolas to come inside the cave even though he knew that Legolas hated caves. And Legolas, being the nice guy/elf he was - went inside the cave. And, since they were telling stories - the little hobbits (who were adults but since they were just so SmAlL and cUtE, they acted like children) BEGGED him to tell them why he didn't like caves.

And since he was the gorgeous, muscular, powerful, over all down right attractive elf with a fancy bow and a charming smile - he told them the story.

He was a young elf with awesome skills with a bow that could rival the oldest and most experienced of elves and since he was so awesome, he was out alone on patrol. In the darkest part of Mirkwood. ALONE. Despite the fact that he was a PRINCE. But that is just because he is so cool. Suddenly, he was attacked by a bunch of orcs. He killed them all. Except ANOTHER group of orcs came. He killed MOST of them, but he was so tired he couldn't continue fighting much longer.

But this is just because he was young. NOW he can fight forever and ever without EVER getting tired.

The orcs decided to take him prisoner - just because they wanted to make the awesome elf scream. Because they are mean and ugly and he is good and HaWt!!! _(fangirl "squees!" lovingly)_So they beat him up until even his will of mithril crumbles (just a little) and he screams. Very quietly... but he screams. And, when they finished beating him up...

They blindfolded him.

They gagged him.

And they threw him into a cold, dark cave.

Alone.

And then they left, laughing evilly (as orcs tend to do) - not giving the awesome prince a second glance, which, of course - is just horrible. I mean - a prince THIS awesome deserves to have MANY longing... loving second glances, don't you think? I do.

But Legolas was all alone. And he was left there for what seemed FOREVER. And then, wolves/wargs/dwarves came and AtTaCkEd him! And he almost DIED! _(Here all the fangirls GASP in horror)_But then - SOMEBODY COMES AND SAVES THE DAY! It is his brother/dad/friend/smelly human/horse/wife/girlfriend/Elrond/Glorfindel's horse/good orc/Boromir/Frodo/Ghost/Eru! And they take him to Rivendell/Lothlorien/Mirkwood/Rohan/Gondor and they help him get ALL better! And the entire way there, they are thinking about how BRAVE and STRONG and TOTALLY AWESOME Legolas is for not screaming or crying from the PURE AGONY he is in.

But that is just because Legolas is cool like that.

Legolas finished telling his traumatic, horrible, heart-wrenching, gut-twisting, tear-jerking past that made being in a cave unbearable. And the hobbits were crying, Gimli was wondering why he ever hated the aWeSoMe elf prince of Mirkwood, and Boromir was wondering how HE could have saved Legolas without EVER remembering it.

Gandalf said something WISE and ALL-KNOWING and it makes Legolas look even AWESOMER! And so they ended with a friendship-bonding-male-group-hug. And everybody went to sleep with a warm fuzzy feeling inside of them. And Legolas was not afraid of caves anymore.

Because he is awesome like that.

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**And this was the last part of this story... *sniffles* Farwell!**

**... BUT REMEMBER TO REVIEW!!!**


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